I can't take it anymore...

[Bailey]

okay so here is my story,,
I just started high school and i am doing terrible in a few subjects. i am trying really hard but my parents dont seem to understand that i am trying my best. My parents are always mad at me and always yelling at me. i cry almost everyday because i cannot take anything no more. My mom has had cancer for 2 years or so and everything has changed because she never feels well and the doctors are not really sure what she has. Her medicines cost a lot of money and we soon wont be able to afford everything. Every one is always in a miserable mood and every time i want to cheer them up no one cares or even listens. I have 6 relatives that have died in the past few years and i cannot take it anymore. I feel that my parents dont care about me and that im completely invisible. I feel that if i disappeared no one would notice or even care. My parents dont even care about my feelings. I wish i can take a break from life and then come back when everything is okay. I've been crying myself to sleep at night for the past few weeks. At school there is boy that i used to be best friends with, he was so nice. Now he hardly talks to me anymore and i have no clue why. My parents think that me and my sister are stupid, terrible, careless and selfish kids. Which we are not. My parents just cant see that we really do care.

So all i want to do in life right now is disappear for awhile then come back when my mom is cured. And when i do come my ex- best friend will talk to me.
Please help me

[LindaM]

Hi Bailey, I hear your sadness. I hope it feels better to talk about how you are feeling.
Who do you go to when you are feeling low? Is there a teacher or a guidance counsellor in your school that you could feel comfortable talking to?
Things always feel worse when you go through it alone or you keep it inside. I know it feels big right now but you will feel better .
It sounds like your parents are trying to manage things as best they can at a difficult time. I wonder if they would be surprised to know how you are feeling. What happens when you share your true thoughts?
I'm so glad you are giving tassi the opportunity to talk to you. I will look for your next post.

[Bailey]

There is a counselor at my school but I don't like saying my feelings out loud and telling some one in person. I dont know how to tell my parents about what I feel. My biggest problem at school is math. I have never been good at it and my teacher is so mean. It seems as if she tries to give me a bad mark. Like today I had a test and I completely forgot how to do the problems. I completely blanked out. Another problem that os bugging me is that boy that I used to be great friends with. He was so nice and took me as a great friend and now it just seems like that friendship never happened. It is almost impossible to go to any of my family members when I'm feeling down because they don't care! Yesterday I was crying, so then my mom started crying. Then my dad came to me and said "Oh your crying too; good" I hate my life. People treat me like an object!

[Jaclyn]

Bailey-

Welcome to Tassi. I am listening to your story and wanting to give you a big hug! I am so sorry to hear that your mother is battling cancer. When one person in the family is sick, the whole family lives with the illness and therefore it is important to take care of yourself as well. I was thinking that maybe you should call HOPE AND COPE at the Jewish General Hospital (340-8255). They offer support groups and information for children living with a parent who has cancer. It is important for you that you find a safe place to talk about how you feel (even if you don't love to talk about your feelings, it may be helpful to hear how other kids are feeling). Do you think you can make that call?

I also hear in what you wrote that you are trying very hard to cheer people up but you are finding it almost impossible to feel cheery yourself. Why do you think you have taken on that role? What would happen in your family if you did not have that role?

This seems like a lot for you to handle alone. And although your parents may have given you the impression that your feelings are too much for them to handle as well, I can assure you that there are so many things that can be done in order to help you feel better. Please continue to share on TASSI as this is NOT TOO MUCH FOR US TO HANDLE! In addition, let's start to look at who else can help you sort through some feelings. Could you maybe print this out and take it to your school counselor so she/he can start to help you without you having to talk at first if that is something you are uncomfortable with?
I feel that it may be tough for you to share feelings because you have never really been allowed. It sounds like whenever you shared, your family became very uncomfortable. Please think about the importance of talking to a professional who can allow you to openly talk which in turn will teach you to become comfortable with what your feelings may be.

We are thinking of you!
Jaclyn

[Bailey]

I know its a good idea to talk to some one but i can't.... s i dont know how to tell my parents how deppressed and miserable i am. I feel as if i would sound so stupid.

[Bailey]

Can some answer what i said please

I know its a good idea to talk to some one but i can't.... s i dont know how to tell my parents how deppressed and miserable i am. I feel as if i would sound so stupid.

[Jaclyn]

Bailey-
Sorry it took a few days for a response but thank-you for bringing it to our attention.

So it sounds like you would be willing to talk to your parents if you felt safe enough. What would you need from them in order to feel understood? Maybe you can ask them for that before disclosing your feelings (ex: I want to talk to you about something but I don't want you to say anything yet..just listen, OR I feel like I am not myself and I need your help to figure out what I should be doing to get myself back in better shape.). These are just SUGGESTIONS but we do not want to put any words in your mouth. Whatever you feel is what I would like for you to try and communicate. And by telling them what your expectations are of them in advance, you may feel more comfortable to start to share.

Looking forwrad to hearing more,
Jaclyn

[Dalia]

Hey Bailey!
I read your story from the beginning, and i'm really sorry to hear about everything you're going through!
I did think of some really great suggestions that might help you feel a little better.

First, i don't know if you keep a journal or not, but i love to write my feelings down, and i read in one of your responses that you may not feel comfortable talking to a guidance counsellor. A diary or journal is a great way to write your thoughts down, and get some of your feelings off your chest

Secondly, Sometimes taking baths can relax you or calm you down. Sometimes after a long day at school and math class, you can get into a bath

My last suggestion was to speak to your teacher, or the principal and ask them about free tutors, or any way that you can improve your math skills. Maybe the teacher isn't so bad, and you can ask her/him for some after class help!

Thanks so much for writing on TASSI!
Im so glad i could read your story and give you tips and suggestions

Dalia

[JoniM]

Hi Bailey

I want to start off by saying how brave you are for sharing your story on Tassi. I see that a lot of people have given you feedback on your original post but I felt a need to share my story with you because it relates on so many levels. When I was 17 years old, my mom was diagnosed with a rare, dangerous form of cancer and I felt very similar to the way you courageously explained you do. I kept all my feelings inside because I did not want to burden my parents with more worries and I ended up crying myself to sleep just like you. I thought that my parents thought that I did not care about the situation but truthfully I did but just did not want to tell them how much sadness I was feeling. I felt like I could not communicate with anyone, even my friends and I was a huge wreck including not being able to focus in school (ESPECIALLY IN MATH-what a coincidence).

A lot of people can say they can relate to you, but only those that have had a parent diagnosed with cancer can truly understand the feeling that takes over your life and changes the family dynamics. Like you said, I wanted to leave life and come back when my mom got better. I just did not want to deal with anything, however avoiding the situation will not make anything better.

The reason I am telling you my story is because I want to tell you that what you are feeling is normal! I know it may not seem normal and it might feel strange but you are allowed to feel sad, allowed not to know what to do and allowed to question what your parents are thinking in regards to your feelings. Sometimes when something this sad gets put into our lives we tend to act and not think "normally" but that is okay. It is what you do with your feelings that is important. No one can tell you how to act on your feelings because we all feel things differently, therefore I am not going to tell you what to do but rather I want to validate your concerns and questions.

My one suggestion to you would be to keep posting on Tassi if you find it is a way to relieve some of your pain and stress. If you feel you cannot talk to others that are close to you, there are many people here that are willing to listen to you and can relate to your experiences. I have to tell you that your story inspired me. Until this day I still do not like opening up about this scary time in my life but I just had to tell you that you are not alone and that everything you are feeling is okay.

If you find this helps, feel free to respond.
Keep Being strong!
Joni

[Bailey]

hi joni,
Your story meant a lot to me.. it's almost exactly like mine! Thanks for sharing it.
Also, what did you do to cope with your feelings?
I think I should talk to a friend.. but i'm not sure which friend to talk to.
thanks dalia, you have really great suggestions!
I think I will probably start writing a diary especially if I think i can't talk to one of my friends about it...
Thanks again to everyone who wrote in this post